I make my final adjustments in the mirror. I second guess my ensemble and make final adjustments again. Some more final adjustments. I finally decide I have everything set and I head out to my car. In my car I make some more final adjustments. I start the engine and reverse out of my drive way. Around the corner I realise I haven’t put any deodorant on. I drive through another set of lights before ultimately deciding to hang a u-turn and head back home and apply some. I quickly park my car and don’t lock it. I head to my door and realise I’ve left my keys in my car. I rush back to the car and roll my ankle. I swear. I limp the extra metre and grab my keys from the ignition. I slam the door shut in anger and the tip of it catches my shoulder. I’m now bleeding from the shoulder. I limp to the door like one of the undead, groaning in pain. I unlock the door and open the door.
I head into my bedroom but forget what I’m looking for. I exit the room and head to kitchen. When in the kitchen I remember it was deodorant I was after. I decide to grab some chewing gum from a drawer in the kitchen so as not to make my kitchen trip completely pointless. I then head back to my room to search for my deodorant. It’s not in there. Oh right, It’s in my bathroom. I head into my bathroom and I see the roll on sitting behind the sink. I try to apply some under my shirt but nothing seems to be coming out. It’s almost empty so I flip it upside and watch the liquid drip to the ball inside. I then try my hardest to apply it liberally on both sides. I pop the cap back on and head back out to my car. In my car I realise I’ve left my keys in the door. I head back to the door and grab the keys.
Back in the car. Engine on. I’m around the corner again. An alarm flashes in the back of my head. Had I locked my door? Reader, did I lock the door? Scroll up a bit, can you tell me whether I locked the door because I can’t be bothered going back now, I’m already around the corner. Reader? Hello? I swear at the reader, unable to help me in this one way relationship. I’m already half way to work. I’m swerving all over the place as I try to reach for my CD wallet on the passengers seat. The car in front is turning left and I see it just in time; of course I see it just in time. I’m not going to crash. The car stops to a consistent mediocrity.
“Fucking make the turn!” I yell from my car. They don’t hear me, they never do. I drive past and realise I should’ve used that time to reach for the CD wallet and put a new CD in. The one that’s already in there is skipping at my favourite bit.
I finally arrive at the shopping centre where I work but as it is already almost 11 o’clock all the good spots are taken. My car clock says 10:58, or at least it would if it was working. My phone clock says 10:57. I head into work and one of the managers gives their best disapproving eyes. “It’s 11:02,” they say. I want to wave my hand and say “It’s 10:58″ like I’m Obi-Wan Kenobi and I am not the droid she’s looking for but instead I just give her a conceited grin, say sorry and then mumble some mixture of excuses which are incomprehensible at best. I blame the rain when there isn’t any. I blame the sun when it’s snowing.
My first customer has a 35% off voucher for fiction titles only and she’s trying to use it on The Secret by Rhonda Byrne and I have to tell her it’s not a fiction title. My second customer is looking for Healing with Angels and is trying to justify it to me as I am trying to tell her that I don’t care with my mind.
The next hours pass over with a monotony emphasised by spiels and routines. As the face of the retail organisation I take the blame for things I’m not responsible. I’m never responsible.
Work ends and I swipe out at least five minutes after my scheduled finish time. End time. Finish makes it sound like I’ve accomplished something.
I head back to the my car which is parked in the sun. Inside my expensive hay fever medication has melted. My six dollar clock I bought during my break to replace the one not working in my car has stopped working. My bottle of water has morphed into an unusable shape. I sit down and immediately sweat. I grab the seatbelt and singe my hands. I quickly slip it into its socket. I grab my wheel and am greeted by Hades and his fiery demons. I pat-steer my way out of the shopping centre into peak hour traffic. Several people cut me off and a ute full of bogans throw a cup filled with ice at my window and cause a chip. They speed off before I can get the number plate and my anger takes over from my memory of the make and colour of the car.
At home I park my car in the drive way. I don’t have the remote garage door opener in my car so I have to get out and open it manually, then get back in and drive it in. Unfortunately I’m thwarted in my attempts to do this as there is a possum in the garage door preventing it from going up all the way. I leave my car in the drive way and head to my front door. It was locked. It was always locked. Of course I don’t realise this until I run straight into it trying to open it. I take a step back and fiddle through my keys for my front door. I try to open it with my work locker key door but then realise why it’s not working. I find the right key and let myself in.
I wash my hands. One comfort I can take daily. A good pair of washed hands.
I boot up my computer and check my emails. Nothing good. Never is.
I take all the rubbish out to the bins and wheel them up to the street. I realise I’ve missed the garbage man by at least twenty four hours. The bins are quite full. I’d swear but I just can’t be bothered.
I head back inside and sit down and watch some TV for a bit. The power goes off. I run into a chair which leaves a bruise on my thigh. I finally find a torch and the power comes back on. I head back to my computer and start it up. My speakers refuse to turn on. I write an email to the shop where I bought them and just after I click ‘send’ I realise the plug has just unplugged from the back of the unit. I plug it back in and they work fine. I write a follow up email and the power goes off.
I then go to bed and die.
